The intention of this blog entry was meant to serve as a reflection of the first two months of the year however, the last 7 days and particularly today have been one of those moments when I’ve received what feels like a lifetime of knowledge, so much so that in this moment I couldn’t care less to learn anything else until this time next year. With no uncertainty a whirlwind of change is in my future.
The moment in which you realize your prayers have truly been answered can be one filled with both fear and gratitude. Truth suddenly appears and it doesn’t look like you pictured but you understand and accept it for it is. My focus this year has been on staying plugged in and continuing to learn and grow. Day after day, plagued with fatigue and in relentless pursuit to experience the fullness of my journey fear is ever present. I am fearful because truth shows that I have not learned a few lessons which I thought I overcame. What I thought was the light at the end of the tunnel was just an illusion, my ego saying “girl you’ve got this under control”. Change or the onset of change almost always opens the door to fear. Not knowing the outcome of a situation or the minute details of “how” leaves few choices. You can either feel the fear and move forward, or allow fear to cripple you. Right now fear is showing up for me as anxiety, sleepless nights and at times anger.
I am also grateful because if it wasn’t for my focus, my commitment to using the resources available to me and to remaining faithful to spiritual practices, I could very well crumble. The truth of the matter is, I have been praying for this moment. I have surrendered all, my fears, desires and will. I’ve been praying for renewal, to be used for my true purpose as guided by my creator at any cost. In a sense I’ve prayed for a true test of my faith, even though I know it means my world will be turned upside down.
The week began with a dharma talk on “No birth, no death” and discussion on “Loving your challenges”. There was discussion on spirit and if spirit lives forever. There were various opinions for consideration. Opinions from those who were simply curious and unable to articulate a solid response or belief, there were naysayers, and even a scientific perspective. The room was filled with wonder and eyes were glued on the Reverend as he responded to the many questions in the room. What I’ve learned to appreciate from attending these sessions is that the Reverend and or guest speaker never provide a clear “yes” or “no” response. The knowledge and teachings shared are purposeful and designed to meet you as the student where you are leaving it open for interpretation at your level or free to quench your thirst with additional exploration of the subject matter. In the midst of this discussion I had found comfort in my belief of no birth, no death of spirit when thinking of my grandmother. Although she is not here in form, I often ask for her guidance, courage, wisdom and spirit on a spiritual plane.
The very next morning, I found myself face to face with the lesson I thought I had learned. I had two choices, I could either love the challenge it presented or I could fall apart. I chose the former, and while semantically I do not “love” this current situation that has crossed my path, I do accept what it represents. There is still something for me to learn and although this experience is not pleasant for me and is creating anxiety, I know for certain that whatever the outcome I’m going to be just fine. There is something better for me on the other side of this journey but I must move through this situation to get to the glory! Any resistance on my part will only make matters worse. This experience is happening FOR me, not TO me.
To be continued…